2017 “Instantly Better” Than 2016

2017 is “instantly better than 2016”, according to the majority of people celebrating the New Year in the UK.

There have been widespread reports in the early hours of January 1st that, although 2017 was delayed by one second , people were instantly happier and without worry once the chimes of Big Ben struck.

The marking of the new year was met with cheers of joy from people of all ages, safe in the knowledge they had left 2016 behind.

A mathematical study taken at precisely 00:10 this morning* showed that although 1050 ordinary people around the world had died – taking into account the average global death rate of 105 deaths a minute – there were no reports of major international public figures passing away.

Harry, celebrating in Surrey, says this is good news for the next 12 months:

“I’m really happy that no one famous has died yet.
“If we can last ten minutes without losing a celebrity then I am 100 percent optimistic for the year ahead.”

There were joking calls for many older national treasures to be ‘hidden’ amidst the increasing number of tragic deaths in the latter months of 2016.

However, Harry says we needn’t worry:

“David Attenborough doesn’t need to be hidden anymore. He is safe now,” he added, providing valid assurance that a 90-year-old national treasure will not die just because it isn’t 2016.

People attending celebrations ahead of the midnight countdown in New York also commented that the first twenty days of 2017 are likely to be the ‘best days of their lives’, due to the fact that they now have less than three weeks until the inauguration of Donald Trump as President of the United States.

Scattered predictions from several unidentified sources stated that the delirious optimism felt by many during these intoxicated early hours will end when people finally wake up around noon with stonking hangovers.



*Hastily, with a quick Google search on global mortality rates.

Featured image: Chris Chabot “Happy New Year” under creative commons.